The Dinner Party From Hell
by Goku Girl
Summary: Bulma decides to have a formal dinner party for once and things happen that are anything but normal. The MSTed version now only available on my website.


**Disclaimer:** Me? Own this anime? What have you been smoking?

**Note:** I got the urge to write another humor fic. This is a one-part so enjoy. P.S. No making fun of Vegeta!

**Warning:** (You thought that you would never see one of these on my fanfics, didn't you?) Alcoholism, OOC Vegeta (when isn't he?), extreme laughter alert (okay so that one isn't really a warning...). It's also got some veiled humor. In other words it's so subtle that you have to strain yourself to catch it. But when you do...

**Arigatou:** A special thanks goes out to Madoka for beta'ing this really old (©2000) and error-riddled fanfic for the contest over at The Royal Palace of Vejiitasei.

* * *

**The Dinner Party From Hell**

The day had finally arrived. The food was finished, the decorations were perfect, her outfit was perfect, her family... okay not so perfect. But it was as good as it was going to get.

"Veggie-chan! Get your short ass down here, NOW!"

"Do I have to?" he nearly whined.

"Hai, Veggie."

He appeared at the top of the staircase, head hung and shoulders slumped. He had on navy casual pants, a matching sports jacket, and a white shirt. Looking extremely miserable, he slowly made his way to the main floor.

"Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?"

"You don't know the half of it," he muttered as he made his way to the couch to sulk.

Now it was Trunks' turn. The twenty-year-old gracefully made his debut. Okay, so he tried, but eight-year-old Bra tripped him and he landed head first had the bottom of the staircase. If he hadn't been Saiya-jin, there would probably be brain damage.

"Ha HA!" Bra cried, pointing as his prone figure. It seemed that she was taking her recent obsession with the Simpsons a little too far.

"I am *so* going to kill you!" He stood, brushing himself off.

"You gotta catch me first!" Bra took off down the hallway into the deeper recesses of Capsule Corporation.

"What did I do to deserve such children!" Bulma threw her hands into the air. "I know." She turned to her wayward mate. "They've got too many of your genes." Vegeta just rolled his eyes in response and went back to picking at the couch's leather upholstery.

Bulma glanced at her watch and began to pace. It was almost time for her guests to arrive.

***

Five minutes to eight o'clock had Bulma standing stiff as a board by the front door. She wrung her hands in anticipation as she watched the members of her family.

"Trunks, stop staring at yourself in the mirror. Your hair is fine and you aren't going to get wrinkles within thirty seconds. Bra, stop scuffing your shoes against my wood floor unless you want to scrub it later on. Veggie-chan, stand up straight. Your posture is appalling."

Trunks smiled. "Nervous Kaasan?"

She glared at him briefly. "Trunks dear, unless you don't want to be able to go with Goten to that concert tomorrow, you will make a wise decision and NOT SCREW WITH ME! Do you understand?" she finished sweetly.

He blinked in mild surprise and nodded.

"Good!" Then the doorbell rang. "Remember what I said to you three." Bulma smoothed her dress down and opened it. Trunks and Bra leaned forward to see who it was that their mother was making them act very prim and proper for. They nearly face-vaulted when they saw who had arrived.

"ChiChi. Goku. How nice to see you!" she motioned for Trunks to take their coats. "Follow Bra to the parlor."

Goku looked at her blankly and whispered to Vegeta as he was lead by. "What's a parlor?"

"It's a living room."

"Then why didn't she just say so?"

The short Saiya-jin just shrugged and followed.

"You can come in, Goten. Just go with Trunks and don't cause any trouble." She closed the door and leaned against it.

"Hai, Bulma-san," he said as he trudged off after his best-friend.

The doorbell rang again and this time it was Krillin and Juuhachi-gou. Marron walked in behind them mumbling something about 'boring parties and even more boring people'. Juuhachi-gou shushed her and greeted Bulma.

"How are you tonight?" she asked in her usual monotone. Krillin had been schooling her on the art of small talk and the jinzouningen felt that she was doing quite good at it.

"Perfectly fine, so far anyway. The kids and Vegeta haven't done anything seriously wrong.... yet." Juuhachi-gou laughed politely and walked towards Bra. Bulma smiled at the rest of her family before they moved to follow her. She had a brief rest period (in which she paced in nervousness) until the doorbell rang again...

***

Bulma stood up from her seat at the head of the dinner table and raised her champagne glass. The children had been allowed to come into the dining room for the toast, but afterward they had to go back to the kiddie table.

"I would like to propose a toast to friendship." Everyone raised their glasses at the words. Bulma looked to the young ones and raised and eyebrow.

"You may go back, now."

"Kaasan!" Trunks whined. "Do Goten, Marron, and I really have to? We're adults, you know!" The other two nodded in agreement.

"I'm afraid that you do. You three act too childish for my tastes."

"Then tousan should be here with us, too," Goten muttered.

Trunks tried again. "But they're little kids! Brats! Rugra-" He made a slight noise in pain as Pan kicked him hard in the shin.

"You take that back!" She shouted at him.

"Pan-chan!" Her parents exclaimed in unison.

She looked down at the floor. "Gomen."

Trunks glared at her, rubbing his leg. "You see what I mean?"

Bulma walked over to the small group and made shooing gestures. "Go! Scat! Vamoose! Amscray! Tachisaru!" The three adults sighed heavily and departed the room again with the children trailing behind.

"Stupid kaasan," Trunks grumbled as they went towards the family room.

"I wish we could get them back," Goten said wistfully. Trunks froze in his tracks and grabbed the younger man by the shoulders.

"Goten, you're brilliant!"

He blinked in disbelief. "I am?"

Trunks released him and grinned menacingly.

"Oh no... I know that look. I will *not* get caught up in another one of your plans, Trunks!" He began to back away, hands outstretched.

"But it was your idea."

Goten shook his head frantically and tried to spot an escape route. The only exit was blocked by Trunks and he knew that he couldn't get around him if his friend didn't want him to. Marron, who was beside Trunks, agreed with revenge.

"I've got the perfect plan..." Trunks gathered the other two into a huddle and they began to confer.

***

Bulma had switched from champagne to water soon after because she knew that some of her guests had a low alcohol tolerance, like Yamcha for example. The last time they'd had beer, after three cans he was up on the coffee table singing "I'm A Little Teapot". They all received a good laugh from it -- and lots of Polaroids besides -- but still...

"I'll just go get some punch, alright?" She received brief nods from her conversing guests. Bulma made her way to the kitchen to retrieve the large crystal punch bowl.

***

Goten glanced away from the door where he'd been standing guard. "Your kaasan's coming. Hurry!" He still couldn't believe he was in on such a plan, but knew that it was going to be hilarious. Trunks and Marron finished pouring the Jack Daniels into the punch and quickly stirred it up, hoping that no one detected anything until they'd had a full healthy glassfuls. The three ran away just as Bulma entered the room.

"Hmm. I could have sworn that I heard voices," she mused to herself as she picked up the bowl and left. Trunks, Marron, and Goten high-fived each other from the back hallway. Phase One was now complete.

***

The spiked punch had been flowing freely throughout the room for some time now. Some, like Vegeta, were already on the seventh glass. The liquor that the two had added made their thirst greater for every glass that they consumed.

Goku thought that there was something different about the punch but couldn't he couldn't place it. He'd downed that first glass quickly and it had all gone downhill from there. Now he and ChiChi danced drunkenly to music that only they heard.

Krillin had preoccupied himself with trying to count the flowers on Bulma's tablecloth and kept coming up with a different number each time. "Will ya shtay shtill!" he slurred. "Iie! Don't shplit into three! Bad tablecloth!"

Juuhachi-gou, being an artificial ningen, had a higher tolerance. Somehow she'd gotten herself engaged in a drinking contest with the resident Saiya-jin and they were pretty well evenly matched. And so the eleventh glass was downed.

Gohan and Videl paid no attention to the antics of the others. They were so caught up with covering each available area of skin with kisses that nothing else mattered.

Yamcha and Bulma were just staring at each other. Just staring! Then their faces were slowly closing the gap that separated them and Yamcha's fogged mind sparked with happiness. Then his hopes were dashed as Bulma ducked around his body, giggling.

"Can't catch me!" she sang. Yamcha grinned back and the chase was on.

***

Trunks and the other two were literally rolling on the floor at the antics of the dinner guests. Bra and Pan snuck up behind them and peeked around.

"What'cha lookin' at?" Bra asked loudly. The three jerked around and promptly shushed her.

"You're not supposed to be watching this. You're too young."

She frowned. "Says who?"

"I do."

"Well, you're not my papa!"

"Duh!" He turned back around just in time to see Yamcha collide with a wall and bounced off. The warrior muttered, "Pardon me." before he took off after Bulma again.

Goten wiped the tears from his eyes. "This is a real Kodak Moment!"

Trunks' eyes lit up. "Goten, you did it again!"

Goten looked at him warily. "You practically hugged me before. If you're going to add a kiss to that, I think I'll pass."

Trunks laughed. "Maybe later."

The look on his friend's face was priceless.

"Gotcha!"

Goten clutched at his chest. "Don't do that!"

***

Another hour later, Bulma and the crew were walking around like zombies. Krillin yawned hugely and slowly made his way upstairs to catch some sleep. Videl followed him after making Gohan promise that he would follow her soon. Goku picked up the sleeping ChiChi and went upstairs as well while Yamcha tried to find his way out of the hall closet.

"Come on, Yamcha," Bulma said blearily. "You exit *this* way." She grabbed his arm and tried to lead him out and, as she did, got pulled inside. Yamcha giggled drunkenly in the dark and slowly closed the door.

Soon Vegeta was the only one still seated at the table. He stood and lurched over to the staircase, intending on going to bed.

***

Goku walked away from the bathroom. He'd deposited ChiChi in a room, but the bad thing was that he couldn't remember which one. He randomly picked a door and entered it. Removing his boots and climbing into bed, he turned onto his side.

"G'night, ChiChi," he mumbled sleepily.

"Good night, Krillin," was the response.

Goku froze. '_Good night, *Krillin*?!_' He turned over slowly and pulled the covers away from the woman's head. Gasping, he jerked backwards in his surprise and landed on the floor.

"Juuhachi-gou!" he jumped to his feet, exclaiming.

She sat up quickly. "GOKU?!"

Then Krillin arrived at the door and, in his currently state, immediately lost it. "How dare you try to sleep with my wife!"

Goku started backing away. "It's not what it looks like!" Then the ki blasts started getting thrown. Goku dodged frantically, his reaction time slowed by the alcohol. Giving up, he ran toward a door off to the side and closed it firmly behind him.

"Oh! A bathroom!" He spotted a connecting door on the side and glanced back to the other one. He saw the pale energy of the Kienzan Disc slicing through the door and panicked. He opened the other door and slammed it shut behind him.

'_Good. An empty room._' He jumped into the closet to wait out the chaos.

***

Videl had gone back downstairs for her purse. She heard weird noises come from the closet and tip-toed over to investigate.

"Hello?" she called softly. "Is anyone in there?"

There was some shuffling and faint groaning. Then someone answered, "No!"

"Bulma-san?" Videl flung open the door and jumped back as two figures collapsed on the floor. "Bulma!" She looked closer. "And Yamcha?! Oh dear..."

The hostess looked up at her solemnly. "Don't tell Veggie, 'kay?"

"I don't know if I can *not* tell him."

"Just do it!" Then she and Yamcha started giggling as Nike commercials popped into their heads.

Yamcha's face was covered in lipstick and both their clothes were in disarray. They both stood and started towards the stairs, groping in places that Videl wished she hadn't seen.

"Oh boy," she said aloud to herself wearily. "There's going to be trouble in the morning."

***

Juuhachi-gou got up from where she was lying. It turned out that she really didn't like this room at all and wanted to switch with someone. Going out into the hallway, she picked another room by random and entered. Spotting ChiChi asleep on the bed, she quietly moved over to her.

'_She won't mind if we switch. I can pick her up and move her without her even knowing._' Lifting her gently, she walked to the other room and placed her upon the bed, returning in record time. '_Now I can get some sleep..._'

Five minutes later sleep claimed her and a figure entered the room. Getting into bed beside her, he poked he shoulder.

"Honey?" he whispered. "Are you asleep?"

"G'way," Juuhachi-gou mumbled. The figure shrugged and fluffed his pillow before lying down.

"Goodnight, Videl."

"Goodnight, Gohan."

***

Krillin hummed off-key as he continued his search for the wife-stealer. Eventually giving up pursuit because his senses were dull, he returned to the room that his Juu-chan was in. He raised his eyebrow in confusion when her hair looked darker and her body smaller, but he surmised that it was only a trick of the light. Yawning, he took off his shoes and laid down, pulling the covers up to his chin. Without ever bothering to say goodnight, he was soon fast asleep.

***

"This is great! Trunks exclaimed, snickering. He held a video camera in one hand and a plane tape recorder in the other.

Goten replaced the film in his camera and looked around for more unsuspecting people. Even Marron had a camera, a digital one, so that they could put the pictures on the Internet quickly.

Pan and Bra were trailing behind with cameras of their own. Their job was to photograph people in those "hard-to-reach" places. (i.e. under furniture) that the older ones couldn't fit into. Trunks gave in after bra threatened to tell their mother about the entire thing. They split up in the hallway and each quietly took a room.

***

The next day was one of the worst Vegeta ever had. He'd drank over twenty-five glasses of punch, but it was worth it to beat the jinzouningen. His head pounding, he rolled over and buried his face into his mate's neck.

'Wait a minute... Did she put on weight or something?' Reaching out with his clearing senses, he tried to detect her tiny ki but couldn't. In fact, he was unable to sense anyone's ki. The person he was hugging, rolled over to face him, snorted, stirred a bit, and relaxed. Slowly Vegeta opened his eyes, a little frightened by what he would see.

"OH MY KAMI!"

***

ChiChi snuggled in Goku's embrace for a moment before she realized that Goku didn't cuddle EVER. She reached back a hand and ran it along the person's body.

'_Head. Torso._' She blushed at the next part and quickly moved on. '_Thighs. Shins. Feet._' Her face twisted in confusion. '_My Goku is missing about two and a half feet!_'

She sat up and looked over. '_At least he's male and his hair is black, but it doesn't spike up. The only person whose hair's like this is..._'

"KRILLIN!"

***

Trunks was woken up by the various bloodcurdling screams of horror and surprise. He reach down and poked Goten in his side, giving him a thumbs up and a grin.

"Phase Two is now complete."

***

Yamcha yawned hugely and hugged the person who was lying on top of him closer. '_That's funny. I don't remember going out on a date last night. I thought I went to Bulma's hou-_' Then he opened his eyes.

"BULMA!"

And she was completely naked.

On second glance he noticed that he was as well.

***

Vegeta jumped up while grabbing the sheets. "What the hell are you going in my bed?!"

Goku blinked the sleep from his eyes and looked at his friend blearily. "Your bed? You mean that you're not ChiChi?"

"Kakarotto you baka! Does it *look* like I'm your silly ningen wife?"

"Iie. I guess you aren't." Goku stood and pulled on his pants. "Well, I'll be going now."

"You do that," Vegeta replied in a slightly shaking voice. "Just answer one question for me, first. Did we do *anything* last night?"

Goku's forehead creased with thought and, eventually, he shook his head no. "Besides you cuddling up to me and saying ai shiteru, absolutely nothing happened." He grinned, deciding to tease Vegeta. "I didn't know that you cared, Veggie-chan!"

The short Saiya-jin blushed and grabbed the lamp from the bedside table. "Unless you want this through your skull, I suggest that you leave now."

He received a grin as the taller man exited the room.

***

Trunks, Goten, Marron, Pan, and Bra came downstairs to get something to eat and found that Videl, Gohan, and Juuhachi-gou were already there making mounds of pancakes, bacon, sausage, eggs, and other breakfast foods. Actually, Gohan was the one cooking, believe it or not, and his wife and Juuhachi-gou were getting out dishes and setting out the platters of food.

"Ohayo!" Videl sang cheerfully. Since she hadn't been that drunk the night before, she didn't really have a headache; only mind discomfort. Gohan was the same way and since Juuhachi-gou was an artificial ningen, the hangover didn't linger long.

Trunks and his two accomplices exchanged confused looks. Gohan was in the same bed as Juuhachi-gou! Why were the acting to civil towards each other.

As if Gohan read their thoughts, he spoke. "I sensed everything."

They froze.

"Since I'd already suspected what had happened, we weren't angry at each other. Once I explained, that is." He absently rubbed the light bruise on his cheek. "Did you know that she has a mean left hook?"

Goten's eyes widened and he began to plead. "Niichan, *please* don't tell kaasan! It was those two!" He pointed at Trunks and Marron. "It was all there fault!"

The accused smacked him in the back of the head. "If we're going down, you're coming with us," Trunks growled.

"Damn straight," Marron added.

"Relax," Videl said. "No hard done."

Then the others arrived.

"ChiChi I said I was sorry! You didn't have to hit me with that frying pan so hard!" Krillin whined.

"It was the principle of the whole thing!" The two grabbed plates and eating utensils, taking them to seats at the table.

Vegeta and Goku were next. The short Saiya-jin, who was still just in his boxers, whispered to Goku at the doorway. "You better not tell anyone what happened."

Goku smiled and Vegeta instantly didn't like it. "Hai, Veggie. I can keep a secret you know."

"Good," he answered, unconvinced. They also took seats; Goku next to ChiChi and Vegeta as far away as he could get from them which put him beside Bra.

Yamcha entered next. Vegeta's heard jerked up at something, but he just dismissed it as his imagination. Until Bulma came into the room, that is.

He stood up and pointed an accusing finger at his mate. "You had sex with that baka ningen last night!"

Her eyes widened. "Nani?" she sputtered. She tried to cover up her guilt with feigned innocence. "What are you talking about?"

His eyes bored into hers. "You smell like him and he smells like you. The odor of sex also clings to you both."

"You can SMELL things like that?!" She hadn't gotten to take a shower yet and immediately wished that she hadn't been so hungry.

"Of course. All Saiya-jin can."

Without looking up from his plate, Goku decided to put his own two cents in. "He's right, you know. You did have sex."

"Well, thank you Goku!" Bulma said sarcastically. Then she noticed that sometime during the conversation, Yamcha had disappeared. '_Well, that was probably for the best._'

Gohan took a seat and glanced at Trunks, Goten, and Marron pointedly. "You do know that someone spiked the punch, don't you?"

Everyone else's heads snapped up except for Goku, who only nodded and said, "Thought something was a little off about that punch."

The demi-Saiya-jin nodded. The three culprits hurriedly excused themselves.

Bulma glared. "It was you three, wasn't it?"

Chairs scraped against the kitchen floor as everyone except Gohan, Videl, Juuhachi-gou, and Goku rose.

"You know what you need to do." Gohan told them.

"Hai," Trunks gulped. "RUN!"

And so the chase was on.


End file.
